Four Losses in One
This post is best read while listening to "Easy/Lucky/Free" by Bright Eyes.
I’ve been a bit MIA lately (partly due to the anxiety of third trimester PAL, partly to the sudden shock of being made redundant on the day I turned 34 weeks pregnant) but today I feel like it’s time to put pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard?) and open up about something else to do with my termination for medical reasons.
First of all, I don’t have the presumption to be a know-it-all or to speak for all TFMR mums. Nor am I claiming that my pain, my story, my loss are worse, sadder, more excruciating than yours. That would be utterly wrong and ridiculous.
However, it’s undeniable that TFMR is a very different type of loss (having had a miscarriage, I sadly have prior experience of pregnancy loss) and let me explain to you what it meant to me.
To me, it was four losses in one.
The first time I lost Luca was when we were given his final diagnosis, on 11th July 2018: rhizomelic chondrodysplasia punctata (a lethal form of dwarfism).
The second time I lost Luca was when we “chose” to say goodbye to him, even before saying hello - when we signed all the papers to effectively terminate the pregnancy, on 20th July 2018.
The third time I lost Luca was when I had to have an injection to stop his heart, so that the doctors wouldn’t need to resuscitate him at birth, on 24th July 2018.
The fourth time I lost Luca was when I was induced, went into labour, and delivered his tiny, beautiful, silent body, on 27th July 2018.
Four losses in one, that’s what it felt like to me. TFMR is still a huge taboo within the taboo of baby loss, but if we all start to talk, share, and open up, I’m sure that one day society will look at us with more respect and understanding.